Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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