How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
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no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
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Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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