I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
