We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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