allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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