if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
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We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
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There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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