Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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