Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
