i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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