you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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