I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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