im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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