I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
