I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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