I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
