Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
