did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
