We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
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you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
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Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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