I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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