ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
