if only i could text you this smell
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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