Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
