Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
