I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
