I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
