I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
