I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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