I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
