You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
