I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
