Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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