my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I got inside last night via doggy door
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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