I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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