So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
