i barfeds in our rink
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
