Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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