I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
