Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
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Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
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We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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