Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
