we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
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A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
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He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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