i just sent this text using only my big toe
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
