I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
