This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
