i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
