i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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