Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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