Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
