i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
