Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
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I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
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I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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