I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
