That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
