oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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