i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
