anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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