If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
